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Andy Cohen is the vivacious host of BRAVO Television’s talk fest “What Happens Live.” Like him or loathe him - Cohen has created a hard-to-ignore reality television empire at BRAVO.
I view this show as an authentic, no bullshit experience, he declared in an old issue of Details Magazine. Cohen was describing his talk show. I cringe. Not at Cohen. No, at the ease with which we toss about the word “authentic.”
Ever since Bill George popularized the notion of Authentic Leadership in his book True North, we have steadily killed the meaning of the word. Andy Cohen is describing a carefully curated, packaged and produced television event. Authentic? As if we all agreed on what the heck “authentic” is.
I want to be authentic with people.
It has become the most overused leadership cliché of the past decade or so. Mind you, I am in favor of not being inauthentic. But you and I can authentically be many different things. Which Authentic Self will you bring?
Authenticity means erasing the gap between what you firmly believe inside and what you reveal to the outside world.” ~ Adam Grant
I think of a conversation I had with Jen Congdon, Head of a Business Unit within a highly profitable publishing empire. Jen and I were talking about how to play well with folks who have social power. She mentioned her relationship with Chuck, the empire’s legal counsel. Chuck, it was clear, pushes Jen’s buttons. She sees him as the quintessential young buck climbing the social ladder, with a lot of bravado in the mix.
In a way Chuck is so transparent, Jen sighed. You just need to stroke his ego a lot to get things done. Another sigh. But I have to be authentic with people.
Are there things you genuinely appreciate about his talents as a lawyer? I inquired.
Yes, there are, Jen sheepishly admitted.
And can you authentically let him know that you appreciate those things? I asked.
I guess so. Jen said it with a pained look on her face.
We say authentic when we mean vulnerable. We say it when we mean genuine, truthful, direct. Transparent. When we mean “act according to our values.” When we long to express a strong emotion we feel. Why not toss the word authentic and say what we actually mean?
Let us not pretend that we all agree on what the heck authentic is. And what it looks like. I urge you to be mindful of the following myths that are frequently attached to the word authentic.
Myth #1: Just Be Yourself
When you go on a job interview and your best friend tells you Just Be Yourself. When you have to give a crucial speech at work and your colleague suggests Just Be Yourself. Let’s be clear – nobody in a job interview wants you to just be yourself. Or when you give a speech. Chances are, we don’t want you to be boring. We want you to be prepared. We want you to make choices about which Self you bring.
You and I can authentically be many different things. My joy can be authentic. My enthusiasm can be authentic. My fear can be authentic. My doubt. In key business situations, we want you to bring your Best Self. And we want you to be intentional about it. That’s grown-up authenticity.
Myth #2: Authentic People Say What They Really Think
No, not really. A thought is merely a thought. It may feel authentic for a moment. A minute later another thought may feel authentic. Thoughts come and go. Repetitive thoughts may indicate a pressing concern. When you and I have a pressing concern, in a business situation or a personal relationship, let us consider context: Is this a good moment to express what I’m thinking? Is it essential that I express my thoughts right now? Will expressing my thought enhance the conversation we’re having?
Expressing a thought is a choice. Not expressing a thought is a choice. Both can be authentic choices. Sometimes not expressing a thought is the more enlightened one. And authentic, as well.
Myth #3: I Like to Keep It Real
When I hear keeping it real this is what comes to mind: Gosh I’m tired of all the platitudes. The bullshit. The polite stuff. All the things we’re avoiding and not talking about. All the fake conversations. Let me cut through the crap.
A noble impulse. Beware, however. We have all been with folks for whom keeping it real means going on an angry tirade. Attacking and blaming. Unloading pent-up anger. Going on and on. Dumping. Letting it rip.
Authentic expression? Perhaps. I think of this behavior as unfiltered narcissistic authenticity. Yes, I say what is on my mind, with little regard for my audience. It, more often than not, has scant positive impact and much unintended detrimental impact.
Myth #4: Being authentic means I tell you “my story.”
Bill George popularized the notion of telling our “crucible stories.” Stories of moments in our past when we overcame barriers and obstacles. When we learned major life lessons. Crucible stories can often be inspiring. Old leadership thinking used to be that we hide our struggles and shortcomings from those around us. Current thinking, championed by the likes of George and Brene Brown, suggests that considered vulnerability fosters connection and personal impact.
I agree. I love stories. I love to tell them, and I have coached many folks on how to tell them well. Here’s the deal, however. Stories are often carefully selected for their potential impact. They are crafted and shaped. At times colored by all the things we leave out and don’t say. For every story we tell there are hundreds we do NOT tell. Each story we tell is a choice of omission. It is manipulated authenticity. We choose to highlight one facet of our narrative over others. Let’s not confuse this with being authentic. Because we could authentically tell legions of other stories that we withhold.
In case of doubt, bring the YOU that enhances execution and personal connection. Check the other selves at the door.
I’ve learned that it’s what you leave OUT of a performance, not what you put INTO it, the legemdary Tony Bennett said. Less is more. It’s not because of my age, but it’s the right thing to do.
Tony Bennett was 92 when he said that. He knew.
When you style a song, there’s the craft of singing. And there are the choices you make while you sing. Yes, less is often more. Just one of many authentic choices a performer makes.
When you lead, please don’t be yourself. Bring your BEST self. Make sure your best self comes wrapped in a bit of craft. Be vulnerable when your vulnerability will be helpful to those you lead. Use keen judgment about what to leave OUT.
And stop worrying about being authentic.