Trending
President Trump thinks big.
His inauguration speech promised to “expand our territory.” This included taking back the Panama Canal and planting the Stars and Stripes on Mars.
I don’t know about Mars. It’s 142 million miles away and damn cold. The average temp is just - 85°F. On the other hand, you can easily jump 5 feet on Mars making us all eligible for the NBA. And Elon could be our Martian colony’s first Governor. How cool is that? He could tweet pictures of his dunking on the red planet. Yes, the space suit might limit his Nazi salutes. But hey.
Personally, my kids are hoping Trump grabs the canal before sending Musk to Mars. He surely loves 40 Miles on the Panama Canal. When my boys were five, they couldn’t get enough of that inspirational tune.
But the obvious move, which is surely somewhere in Trump’s cranium, is buying Western Ukraine — the part not occupied by Russia. The Ukrainians would vote for it in a nanosecond. No more begging to join NATO. They’d be full members from day 1. No more complaints about corruption. The American judicial system would be in place, with only Supreme Court justices allowed to take bribes. And instead of “Yankee Go Home!” we’d hear “Yankee Come Home!” from our newly minted Ukrainian colonials.
What about the Russians? They’d be delighted. They’d get to keep Crimea and Eastern Ukraine after an exchange of prisoners on both sides and repatriation of Eastern Ukrainians who want to move West and Western Ukrainians who want to move East. Sanctions would end, Russia’s lost assets would be found, and Putin could claim victory.
As for Trump, Inc., using U.S. infrastructure funding to build The Kyiv Trump Tower would be phase 1 of restoring our new territory’s capital.
The EU would be thrilled. They’d warm up with Russian gas and oil, could keep their defense budgets below 2 percent of GDP, and welcome Russian oligarchs back to their high-end real estate markets.
Hungary, Romania, and other Eastern European countries might also be up for sale. As one country after the next sold themselves to us to fulfill our Manifest Destiny, Denmark would surely come around and put Greenland on the block or at least offer a lend-lease. Canada and Mexico might also be available — at the right price.
Finally, China would take a page from Trump and ante up enough to buy Taiwan.
Money, we know, makes the world go round.
It’s great to have a businessman back in charge.
Related: Why James Carville’s Prescriptions for the Democrats Is So Vacuous