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I work with couples who are what is referred to as 'mixed agenda’ – meaning one person is 'leaning in' to the marriage and one is 'leaning out.' Thus, traditional marital counseling is not a good fit for them at this stage in their marriage. Traditional marital therapy works on the premise that both are invested – often in varying degrees - in the marriage and are willing to discuss, address, and resolve marital issues. Obviously, this doesn’t mean their marriage will stay intact, but the approach to helping couples is different.
Discernment Counseling is a new and innovative approach that provides the couple the opportunity to slow down, take a breath, and look at their options for their marriage – before you pick a definitive path. It creates calm where there is distress, a platform for each person to express how they feel and hope things will be, and the changes they will make individually to make the marriage stronger and healthier. Discernment Counseling is not marital therapy and does not discuss, address, or seek to resolve marital difficulties.
The Leaning In Spouse:
If you are the Leaning In spouse, you want to salvage the marriage but have been put on notice that divorce is on the table. The divorce process may or may not have been started by your Leaning Out spouse. Since being told about the possibility of divorce, you have experienced a roller coaster of emotions and are making attempts - often strong attempts - to change your spouses mind. In some cases, you find yourself distancing from your spouse and hoping for the best. Sometimes you find yourself pursuing your spouse in unhealthy and ineffective ways. You are often reactive to any slight that indicates your spouse is heading down the divorce path, looking for cues - either way- to help you make sense of your world which feels like its spinning out of control.
The Leaning Out Spouse
If you are the Leaning Out spouse you are extremely unhappy in the marriage. You might have brought up divorce - and find yourself in a place you never imagined. You may or may not have started the divorce process but either way you are still not certain this is the direction you want to take. You have been confiding in friends and family and they have all shared their opinion! This only makes things more confusing for you. You find yourself needing a more objective viewpoint to gain clarity over this challenging and confusing time in your life. Your spouse who is leaning in to the marriage most likely makes things more difficult by having strong reactions and feelings about the possibility of the marriage coming to an end. This is a normal reaction because no matter how evolved we become, when threatened with a significant loss in our life, we react with strong emotions, grounded in fear. Yet, this behavior from your Leaning In spouse might make you annoyed and lead to the opposite effect and actually push you even further away from the marriage. Their strong reactions of sadness, anger, and clingy behavior may be the panacea you are looking for to relieve you of your current turmoil and distress. But, this is a short lived answer and creates an illusion that things will magically get better but just saying they will.
Sam and Maria
They have been married for 25+ years and have two children. Maria is leaning in to the marriage and desperately wants to stay married. She states, 'we grew up together' and I cannot see myself without Sam.' I am just devastated by what could be the ending of my marriage. Sam is ambivalent about the marriage. He is not sure if he wants to stay married. They have experienced many issues over the past 10 years and became extremely disconnected from one another. They had zero intimacy in their marriage for over three years and he is finding it difficult to get past the hurt and pain from that time in their marriage. He goes back and forth about wanting to either stay or walk away. He knows they have been together for a very long but doesn't want this to be the defining reason why they stay together. They continue to be reactive towards one another, which is dominated by a strong sense of fear. We have discussed individual changes each will need to make to help them determine or 'discern' the path they will take.
Ultimately, Discernment Counseling helps couples decide one of three paths:
As for Sam and Maria, they have started marital therapy. The relationship work they are doing is challenging and extremely emotional. They know it will take time to address and work through their issues while continuing to make individual changes, which will help them as a couple. Although they have chosen the path of couples counseling, it’s never a guarantee. Like many couples in therapy, they remain a work in progress and only time will tell if their marriage can survive.