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It’s common to think about grief primarily as a response to a single, shattering loss like the death of a loved one, a divorce, or a terminal diagnosis. Grief is rarely so tidy. Alexi Gilmore Mankookian, a Certified Grief Support Specialist, explained this at a recent Financial Transitionist Conference in West Palm Beach. Grief isn’t just about the initial loss. It’s also about the secondary losses that may go unnoticed but add to the impact of the initial loss.
Financial loss is one of the most common secondary losses. The death of a family breadwinner can bring crushing financial uncertainty. Even when the deceased was not the primary earner, grief can derail financial stability. Survivors may struggle to work, make decisions, or focus. This impaired functioning comes at the same time a loved one’s death brings financial tasks and decisions to take care of, some of which need timely attention in order to avoid further financial loss.
The result is often a cascade of stress. Many people can be overwhelmed by not only grief but added emotions such as anger over lost financial security, guilt over accepting insurance benefits, and fear for the future. This can make it easy to fall into a cycle of avoiding financial responsibilities or making rushed financial choices.
What are some ways to support someone in navigating the financial aspects of a loss?
What Not to Say or Do:
- “At least they had life insurance,” or “At least you have some savings/a good job/no mortgage, etc.” Such financial safety nets do matter and probably will eventually be a source of relief. Yet when a loss is fresh, “at least” is a phrase that minimizes the depth of someone’s pain.
- “Don’t cry/be angry/whatever.” Give someone space and support to feel anger, sadness, guilt, confusion, or whatever they feel.
- “What can I do to help?” Often, someone who is overwhelmed simply can’t think of anything to ask for.
- Making impulsive large financial gifts or loans. It’s one thing if you can afford to help with immediate needs like paying an overlooked utility bill or putting gas in the car. But promises or payments in large amounts, no matter how well intended, can lead to misunderstandings and resentments that cause harm to relationships.
What to Say and Do:
- Offer specific assistance. “Would it help if I connected you with a professional to handle some of the paperwork?” or “Can I help you make phone calls or organize bills or tackle forms?”
- Be a supportive presence. Years ago, when a client who was also a friend lost her husband unexpectedly, I joined her initial meeting with the estate attorney. She was able to focus and do what was necessary, so I only added a few words. Yet she told me later how much it helped to know I was there as a “backup brain” to step in if she needed my input.
- Realize you can’t fix it for them. Your role is to provide strength, support, and practical assistance to help them cope. That may mean sharing your own relevant financial knowledge and experience, or it may mean persuading them to go for a walk, take a nap, or eat something.
- “I’m willing to listen if you want to talk about what you’re going through.” This open-ended offer invites them to share as much or as little as they want.
For the financial aspects of a loss, practical support and thoughtful guidance can help someone cope in the short term and rebuild financial stability in the long term. And along their painful journey, the greatest gift you can offer a grieving person is your compassionate and patient presence.
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