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Most people at or near retirement age will say they want to remain at home as long as possible. That means not going to a seniors’ home of any kind “with all those old people”. It sounds fine to plan on staying at home forever when one is 65 or so and in reasonably good health. But of course, aging takes its toll. Over time, when the person is in their 80s, aging in place can become an unrealistic choice.
What We Deny
No one wants to admit that we are losing independence. Research tells us that at least a third of us are going to need help of some kind as we age, particularly over age 85. Maybe that number is higher than one third. How many folks do you know who are 85+ who do not have any health issues that increase their safety risks? Vision limitations and hearing loss are things some elders will admit to at first. But when it’s about remembering to pay bills, avoiding falls, and maintaining one’s hygiene, people can be much more reluctant to acknowledge their limitations. Here at AgingParents.com, where we consult with families of elders, we hear all about it from adult children. The aging parent, living alone, is not safe and they are worried sick. The elder refuses to accept that the home they live in and having no one around is not safe for them anymore.
5 Things That Make Aging In Place Unsafe
There are many factors that affect safety. Here are a few of the common ones adult children tell us they worry about:
- Stairs. Climbing stairs safety and particularly going down them is a hazard for any elder who is unsteady on one’s feet. Stair chair lifts can help but they are an expensive fix that only addresses one safety issue at home.
- Memory loss. On the years-long path to dementia, many family members notice that mom can’t recall things that just happened recently. They have trouble keeping track of bills. They forget to pay. Things they need get cancelled for failure to pay. Living alone in place increases the risk of harm for anyone who has short term memory loss.
- Isolation. A widowed older parent, a “loner type” personality, and limited transportation ability can lead to too much social isolation. That is directly linked to poor health outcomes. Too much being alone is just not good for anyone, particularly an older person.
- Decreasing ability to maintain oneself with nutrition, hygiene, activity, and housekeeping. Once active aging loved ones may have done fine with all of these things independently for quite some time. But then the effects of chronic health conditions interfere and they just can’t keep up with what was once normal anymore.
- Nutrition. When impaired elders can’t get out easily, they may not keep the kitchen stocked. If they have trouble with food preparation, they stop doing it and eat poorly. They may have appetite loss due to illness, depression or other factors. Poor nutrition leads to other health problems and makes chronic conditions like diabetes worse.
Should Adult Children Try To Make Aging Parents Live Somewhere Else?
One thing is certain in our legal system: if a person has the capacity to make decisions, we can’t make them do what we want them to do. We can’t force a cognitively intact elder to make safe decisions for their own good. Gentle persuasion is much better than force and can work. It may be possible to talk Dad into a move to assisted living, for example, with many offers of help and support.
Options For Families With Unsafe Elders Aging In Place
Getting help for your aging parent at home can be a first step. If resources exist, it can empower a responsible adult child to hire home help to assist with basics the aging parent needs. That can immediately increase the measure of safety at home. If you’re not sure how to go about it, see our book, Hiring A Home Care Worker: What Could Possibly Go Wrong? It’s a short, quick tool to help you do this the smart way.
Another step is to get the family together and propose the option of a different living environment to the elder. This must be done very respectfully, so that the aging parent can maintain a sense of self direction, and not feel forced. A right time and place to do this is critical.
Home modifications can help sometimes. Ramps, stair lifts, widening doorways for wheelchair access, removing throw rugs, putting in a safer tub or shower, better lighting and the like can work if they can afford the cost of these improvements. And one must ask: with all these home modifications, will your loved one still be safe down the road with more age-related issues?
Takeaways
- We cannot force a cognitively intact elder to do what we want them to do. Unfortunately, there is no law against unimpaired persons making stupid decisions.
- Consider the long term prospects of major home modifications. Will the cost be worth it if your aging parent is declining and will need more care in the forseeable future?
- If your aging parent has stairs and difficulty with them, memory loss that interferes with daily life, social isolation, and they struggle with hygiene and nutrition, aging in place can be a dangerous plan.
For families, consider all the pros and cons of a declining elder choosing to remain at home as long as they want to. The risks can be expensive and significant.
Related: How an Aging Parent Safely Removed an Abusive Son From Their Home