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Sharon, one of my clients and an early-stage leader, was frustrated by her male boss’s lack of effective mentorship. She couldn’t understand why it was so hard to gain substantive guidance.
As part of her coaching homework, I encouraged her to have a direct conversation with a male mentor—preferably her boss—about her development concerns.
But Sharon refused.
She’d already tried.
Sharon felt she didn’t consistently achieve the intended results when presenting and had sought his counsel.
“He told me to ‘be prepared,’ and that was it!” she said, clearly upset.
His advice took Sharon aback. “Of course, I prepare!” she added, exasperated.
When I asked how she interpreted her boss’s recommendation, Sharon listed what she believed constituted being prepared:
- Thorough research
- Solid ideas
- Error-free documentation
- Footnotes and polished writing
- Well-rehearsed presentation
- Readiness for tough questions
In Sharon’s mind, she had checked every box. Yet, despite all that, she missed the mark.
Why? Because her boss had a broader definition of “prepared” that went far beyond documentation and presentation.
His advice included all the above but also meant:
- Scout the territory: Before presenting, have you assessed the following?
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- Do you have opposition? If so, why are they against the proposal? How strongly will they push back? What’s your counter-strategy?
- Do you have allies? What’s their stake in the proposal’s success?
- How many resources (political capital, time, effort) are your allies and opponents willing to commit?
- Assess the battlefield’s long view:
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- How entrenched is the resistance? Is it worth trying to move them now, or is it better to wait for another opportunity?
- Do you have enough support? If not, consider retreating and planning to win another day. Remember, victories rarely are won exclusively in the meeting—the behind-the-scenes negotiations seal the deal.
- What’s your backup plan to win the war if you lose the first round?
This gender communication gap shows up often in my coaching. And while it can seem almost humorous sometimes, it’s a painful problem.
In business, men and women frequently use the same words, but their intended messages don’t always align. This misunderstanding can hinder organizational success, and it’s up to leaders—regardless of gender—to bridge the gap.
If you’re a man mentoring women in your organization, you might not be as effective as you think. Have you made sure they understand not just the advice but the intent behind it? If they’re not absorbing the entire message, you are responsible for clarifying. Otherwise, as a boss, your guidance to your women executives may be brushed aside.
And if you’re a woman who feels your male mentors aren’t giving helpful advice, ask more questions. Dig deeper into their perspective. Sometimes the gems of wisdom are buried in language or framing that doesn’t resonate at first. If you ask for advice but don’t follow through, it might have been better not to ask.
And as a woman managing men, check your communication with the same vigilance as is advised to male leaders. You have the same level of responsibility to your executives.
Related: The Career Myth You Must Unlearn for Leadership Success