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I lost my dad in 2017. September 29, 2017. It was a hellish time for me and my family. I got a text from my brother John. “We’ve got dad in an ambulance. Think he’s had a stroke.”
So I flew to Chicagoland. Went to the hospital everyday. We all took turns sleeping there. Just waiting for him to wake up. Some doctors said they had the answer & all would be well. The next doctors said, “it’s over.” It went like that for 10 days. Up & down on the worst roller coaster of all time.
I remained positive. I wanted to give him a feeding tube (since he was unconscious and couldn’t eat or drink). I wanted things to be different.
You’ll tell me negative things shouldn’t stand out in my mind but this one nurse who was there was educating me about dying. I was saying things like, “let’s give him a feeding tube” and she kept lecturing me that people who are dying don’t want to eat. I was confused, blurred in my mind, so instead of replying I just felt angry. But later I realized what I should’ve said: “He doesn’t not WANT to eat he’s fricking unconscious!”
Then when the holy person came in to give him his last rites or say a prayer, right in the middle of the so-called prayer she mentioned someone else in the hospital who lost a child to cancer. I stopped her right there and said, “no way, you can’t make us feel guilty about losing my dad, no way!” She back-pedaled immediately like the experienced professional she was and said, “oh yes, you knew him for longer so it’s harder.” Well the damage is done. We feel guilty.
Right now I say, “f-you” to both of them and the doctors too. Learn how to communicate with people who are going through a hard time! Because you don’t know how. Wouldn’t you rather be the person whom people remember fondly from a difficult time in their past?! Right now I’d rather be telling you a story about the people who said the right things to me. The people who didn’t make my pain worse.
You’re only doing a very small part of your job if you can’t communicate with your patients. How can you live your life? You tell someone that an unconscious person doesn’t want to eat?! He wanted to eat before he became unconscious!! How do you know what he wants?!
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Make a point of learning what to say to people. At all times. When they’re grieving. When they’re wanting to buy something-I don’t care. Work on your ability to communicate! If you don’t want to learn something new then when faced with a grieving person just shut your trap.
Extra Tip–Some Things You Can Say to a Grieving Person
Now that I’ve stopped crying and cursing I’ll go back to my professional self. So here are some things you can say to a grieving person.
“I’m sorry for your loss. I know you’re in a lot of pain.”
“I’m here for you if you want to talk, be quiet or just cry.”
“Just wanted to reach out and let you know I’m thinking of you. Your dad seemed like a special man.”
“I brought some tissues & 2 bottles of red wine.”
“My thoughts & prayers are with you.”