Trending
Written by: Ken Haman
When you meet someone new in a social situation, like at a dinner party or on an airplane, do you talk about yourself and hope to make a great first impression, or are you being curious and gaining a terrific advantage to control the narrative and direction of the conversation?
As a financial advisor who wants to build relationships with prospective clients, you should be curious about everyone you meet. This is because the more curious you are about them and the less you talk about yourself, the more powerful you will become in these conversations.
The Amazing Power of Curiosity
Human beings are neurologically hardwired to enjoy talking about themselves. If you are authentically curious about whom you are speaking with and ask thoughtful questions, that person will automatically experience pleasure. In fact, a study published in 2012 showed that talking about oneself can trigger the same sensation of pleasure as food, because it sparks the primary rewards center of the brain.1
Dale Carnegie made being curious about other people the cornerstone of his most famous book, How to Win Friends and Influence People: “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” People really like talking about themselves to those who want to listen. What better way to start a new relationship than by influencing someone to enjoy your company and feel a strong bond of friendship almost immediately?
Importantly, the strategy that makes this happen is simple.
“Say More”: A Strategy for Every Encounter
Approach every social encounter with the intention of starting the conversation on your terms. You can try the classic line I’ve heard hundreds of times on airplanes: “So, are you heading to work or heading home?” Regardless of the answer, your follow-up question should be “What do you do?” Most people have some energy to talk about their job; it is how they spend most of their waking hours.
Because you are curious, as the person offers his response, lean forward and prompt, “Say more!” This is a clear signal that you are authentically interested and reassures him that you want to hear what he has to say. I can personally vouch for the power of “Say more.” As a psychotherapist for 20 years, I made a living encouraging people to share their thoughts with me. For most people, the invitation is irresistible.
“Say more” is one of the most powerful tools to use at the beginning of a conversation. Follow up with specific questions based on the reply. This allows you to gain deeper insights into each person’s work.
An Instinctive Reaction
The other benefit of Always Be Curious is that your energy stimulates the phenomenon of reciprocity. Human beings have a built-in need to keep relationships in balance. You feel this when a friend or neighbor does you a favor or extends himself to you in some way: a need to reciprocate.
This happens from the beginning of any relationship, so much so that you can virtually count on the other person to even things up. After you have asked a few probing questions and explored some details about what he does, pause and watch what happens.
The other person usually feels compelled to match what you just did and ask, “What do you do?” This means you’d better be ready with a really interesting reply.
Featured Podcast: How to Introduce Yourself in a Social Situation
For more on introducing yourself and how to respond when asked, “What do you do?,” listen to my podcast Secrets of Successful Advisors with Ken Haman and select the episode “How to Introduce Yourself in a Social Situation.”
1 Diana I. Tamir and Jason P. Mitchell, “Disclosing Information About the Self Is Intrinsically Rewarding,” Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences vol. 109, issue 21 (May 7, 2012)