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Did you ever notice it’s easier to talk to your friend at happy hour after work than it is to talk to someone on a first date? You’ve got all kinds of stories to share with your friend but sitting across the table from your date your mind draws a blank.
How about when you complain to your cool colleague that you deserve a raise & then during a meeting with your boss you don’t bring it up?
Did you ever notice a difference between telling your mom what you do at work & responding to a stranger who asks, “What do you do?” When you’re telling your mom about your job responsibilities you’re smooth as silk. That same story becomes a bit reduced in quality when telling the stranger, most likely.
The more we want a particular outcome from a situation the worse our ability to convey our message becomes. Ironic, right? Sometimes I call it, “Whenever there’s money in it.”
Being Persuasive When You Need it Most
Can you convince your boss that you need a raise?
But it’s no mystery. In previous posts, we’ve been talking about evolution and how we go into fight or flight when “there’s money in it.” Here’s a cool article from Olivia Mitchell talking about Old Brain . Here’s Paul Drury’s take on drawing a blank during an interview .
Let’s get crystal clear here. When you go to the coffee shop & ask for a coffee, as long as you have 3 dollars & 93 cents you’re going to get your coffee. Unless the shop is part of John Sweeney’s Suspended Coffee program then you don’t even need the 3 dollars & 93 cents. You have no fear of the outcome. You’re going to get your coffee.
But when you are in front of an audience you have no idea if they’re packing tomatoes. You don’t know if they’re going to hate you. (They’re not, by the way.) If you ask for a raise you don’t know if your boss is going to say, “What, that’s crazy! Your work is fair to middling at best!” (It’s not.) You don’t know if your date is going to like you, or if the person you’ve just met will think you’re interesting. You don’t know if you’re going to get the job when you’re at the interview. That’s what spurs our early human brain. Not knowing the outcome.
Some tips for getting your pre-frontal cortex in charge again are here.
Getting What You Need Out of Life
Can people see how smart & funny you are?
So think about the different categories of your life. Think about the situations you find yourself in, including the ones you avoid. Then stack ’em up in order of importance to you. Easy speaking situations at the bottom of the stack; scary ones on top. If you could be earning a better salary, if you could be more successful at nailing that interview, asking your boss for a raise, impressing a new acquaintance with your elevator pitch then you need to improve your ability to communicate during those situations.
The way to improve your ability to get your message across in the situations at the top of the stack is to start at the bottom. Practice the more routine speaking situations of your life (like ordering food & beverages, introducing yourself, making appointments over the phone, etc.) and master those levels. That’ll make working on the more complex & terrifying levels easier.