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You know those people who seem to have chemistry with everyone. Want to be a little more like them? You can. And no, it’s not about being an extrovert.
Time flew. We could have talked forever. What a great conversation.
Does this sound like the description of a great first date? Why not the description of a great business chat?
When we’re lucky, there is personal chemistry. Some people are luckier than others.
Let’s get some luck.
I’m an early riser. Some mornings I roll out of bed and catch a bit of early CNN. New Day with Alisyn Camerota and John Berman.
They have chemistry. One of the reasons I watch.
Here’s what I see that looks like chemistry: Berman and Camerota banter well. They effortlessly pick up on each other’s cues. They’re quick. They create a space for humor and whimsy. Most importantly, there are no signs of one-upmanship. Berman and Camerota seem to genuinely enjoy each other. There’s a gleeful twinkle in the eye when they address each other. An easy playfulness based on respect. I’m not here to pitch New Day to you. I’m here to tell you that in no small measure, personal chemistry is a choice.
“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.“ ~ Carl Gustav Jung
Let us dispense with a few myths: With some folks, great chemistry will never happen. Agreed. Chemistry, however, is possible with folks whose personality type is different from ours. Whose interests don’t entirely match ours. Whose life story and experience are very unlike ours. Great chemistry transcends personal differences.
Another myth, perpetuated by a field of study called NLP (Neuro-linguistic programming): If the other person uses visual cues, answer with visual cues. If s/he uses auditory cues, respond in kind. Yes – this sort of matching of behaviors can, indeed, accelerate connection. It does not, however, guarantee chemistry.
We cannot force chemistry. But your and my behavior have the power to facilitate chemistry. People who sustain personal success have greater chemistry with more people than those who don’t.
Here are just a few things that folks who are more frequently “in chemistry” do well.
THEY SWITCH WITH EASE BETWEEN DRIVING AND BEING DRIVEN.
There are those individuals who just like to drive the car. Hard. All the time. Chemistry with someone like that can be tough. Try to match a hard-charging driver, and the conversational verve will soon end up in a ditch.
Chemistry is much more likely when the role of conversational driver shifts back and forth between two individuals. The shift happens regardless of institutional authority. It happens organically, without pre-meditated cues. It happens in the moment because the moment demands who drives.
There are those individuals who just like to drive the car. Hard. All the time. Chemistry with someone like that can be tough. Try to match a hard-charging driver, and the conversational verve will soon end up in a ditch.
Chemistry is much more likely when the role of conversational driver shifts back and forth between two individuals. The shift happens regardless of institutional authority. It happens organically, without pre-meditated cues. It happens in the moment because the moment demands who drives.
I call this co-driving. Not backseat driving. No – the intuitive sharing of the driver role. Try it.
THEY HAVE A GENUINE APPRECIATION OF THE OTHER.
Berman and Camerota have it. Chris Cuomo, Camerota’s previous partner on the show, seemed to not ever appreciate Camerota. In him I saw an ego that needed to be smart, right, have the final word, trump the other conversation partner. Dominance over appreciation.
What makes the dynamic between Camerota and Berman compelling is that they seem rather unlike each other. They’re not the two “made of the same cloth” best buds from the sports team that like to get drunk together after the game. No – they are two individuals who display distinctly different personas. Chemistry in the face of personality difference is possible because the difference is acknowledged and appreciated.
Genuinely so.
THEY SENSE ENERGY.
Ideas are energy. Emotions are energy. This energy can be harnessed or squelched. Folks who are more readily “in chemistry” with others sense this energy. They know how to ride it and expand it. They know how to sink into it. They’re also keenly aware when a communication is about to die. They sense this before it is blatantly obvious to everyone else. They choose to shift energy with a light touch.
Light touch does not mean “kill a conversation” or trivialize a tough topic or avoid conflict. Yes, there is that word again, shift. And because they do the shifting with a light touch the other person happily follows.
They are, in the best sense of the phrase, energy workers.
THEY ARE CURIOUS.
In a professional setting, true chemistry is impossible if we’re not curious about another person. Curious about what animates that person. Curious about the ideas being expressed, even when we disagree with them. When another person is primarily a transactional necessity or a barrier that I need to overcome (or more specifically, get what I want!), chemistry will not happen.
Genuine curiosity cannot be faked. I can tell, on the unspoken soul- or spirit-plane, whether you’re interested in anything that emanates from me. When you’re not, it registers. You will receive transactional behavior, in turn. We may have a perfectly pleasant, productive and professional conversation. Chemistry won’t happen.
There is shockingly little research about Jung’s “two chemical substances.” If you would like a neuroscientific exploration of this dynamic we call chemistry, check out the research by Uri Hasson at Princeton. Hasson researches how people get into sync. He calls this process neural coupling. A fine entry point to Hasson’s work is this TED blog that elaborates on Hasson’s fine 2016 TED talk:
https://blog.ted.com/what-happens-in-the-brain-when-we-hear-stories-uri-hasson-at-ted2016/
Chemistry will NOT happen with everyone. It’s a relief for me to know that. But your and my behaviors will facilitate chemistry. So GO, be a chemistry-facilitator. More chemistry invokes more enjoyable human encounters.
What a cool thing that is.