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In my work with business professionals over the years, I have met many who seem quick to engage in contentious dialogs with peers and constituents. These may be experts in their field, and have more experience, but they often exacerbate the problems rather than resolve them. The most effective leaders seem to be able to turn toxic conversations into more healthy dialogs.
I’ve always admired the art of dealing with toxic people and tuned by own habits to improve. I found some excellent recommendations along these lines in a new book, “Habits of a Peace Maker,” by Steven T. Collis, a recognized thought leader on this subject. I will summarize here his top ten practices, adding my own business perspective, for your own efforts to be more effective:
1. Show intellectual humility by first reframing the issue. Relating a tough business issue to another context will help conversations focus more on making progress and gaining new insights, rather than proving someone else wrong. Prioritize discussing potential win-win solutions and avoid trying to show off your expertise or role authority.
2. Practice real learning by seeking constructive dialog. Don’t rely totally on social media or favorite news sources for market information and a position. Generate knowledge together and seek to understand what is meaningful to both of you, rather than choosing your position from competitor and customer catchphrases and interactions.
3. Assume the best about people, rather than the worst. You know that in business, your teams are normally motivated to do the right thing since hurting the business may also hurt their career. You should assume they just can’t express their position in the best light, or allow their emotions to take control, so reframe their comments in the best light.
4. Avoid feeding the fears in your peers or adversaries. Always listen more than you talk and speak with kindness and a gentle tone. Be slow to state your own opinions, leaving open the possibility that you could be wrong. Acknowledge and avoid your own business biases and use that knowledge to tone down your inherent position on hard issues.
5. Seek to understand the best argument against you. Don’t waste time on specious or weak arguments – reframe them to define the toughest counter-argument and address this one in your thinking before you respond. Listen for irrelevant facts and always politely keep the focus on business facts that matter. Don’t respond to slogans or emotion.
6. Show willingness to change your mind with new info. Always take the time needed to reflect on business issues and arguments, acknowledging to yourself and your team that the best outcome may require you changing your mind. Put principle above loyalty to specific groups or causes and be willing to stand alone if necessary for the right answer.
7. Spend time with people on non-contentious activities. You need to spend uplifting recreation time with all members of your team, doing anything other than talking about the business challenges. This will help build bridges to understand legitimate concerns justifying why they believe what they believe, and help you take each other seriously.
8. Insert a sliver of humor into the business discussion. Humor can be a powerful tool for putting people at ease and allowing more fruitful conversations. You need to learn to recognize when you own humor is not working and adjust your style to the type most team listeners appreciate. Also be sensitive to formal situations that don’t call for humor.
9. Build mental and emotional health for inner peace. Use meditation, intentional breathing, and other forms of mindfulness to achieve inner calm and emotional stability. You need to protect the daily time necessary to do those things that work for you, and be humble enough to ask for help from business mentors, peers, or outside professionals.
10. Embrace the reality of not closing every difference. Many of the most challenging business problems are complex for a reason, so you must recognize it is okay to not be able to resolve any specific one totally. Small steps to these solutions are important, so always minimize moments of hostility and argument, and celebrate every progress step.
By nurturing these habits, I am confident that both you and your team will be more effective in addressing the many new and complex business challenges that every company faces in this age of instant communication in a global economy. Make your handling of difficult and potentially toxic situations your career and competitive advantage rather than a barrier you can’t overcome.
Related: 7 Steps to Build a High-Performance Team for Your Business